“Time Passes”

-26 days to trail

Four months ago it was November.

Four months seems like so far back, but I knew that it would be this way–that it would pass quickly, but also feel like such a long time; both at once. 

I had already decided to hike the Appalachian Trail by then. That choice came in the late summer, maybe a month or two prior. But I remember being there, thinking about starting the AT in spring, and that it felt so far away still. From there, it would still be six months–a half a year. 

Having been through this process before however, I knew that it would be this way. That six months would go by in an instant. And then I’d be on trail, where it’ll feel the same once again–from Georgia it will feel like Maine is impossibly far off, but that great distances pass quickly in hindsight. 

This concept is important to me–the simultaneous existence of seemingly contradictory ideas. The “coincidencia oppositorim.” It’s something I’ve considered a lot on long trails and in life. Neither black, white, or gray, but both black and white at once. 

Time passes so quickly and so slowly all at once. 

—

In a month I’ll be on trail. And I don’t know how to feel about that. 

I want to just be excited, and to be clear, I am excited. But I’m also nervous and somewhat trepidatious. About all the things that I can’t prepare for from home. 

I’ve prepped what I can though–in physical training and equipment. I have what I think I need and I feel like I’ve prepared what I can. I know however that the AT will be different than the other long trails I’ve walked, and in ways that I can’t fully know until getting out there and putting feet on the ground. 

It will feel good to have that part over I think–to be started and in it. That always feels better compared to before the trail. I always feel anxieties before the start. 

I’m anxious to meet the other hikers. It’s something important about the AT that’s drawing me out there. I’ve been with so many of the same faces and in the same patterns of life for long enough now that I’m overdue for something new. It will do me good to be amongst many new faces and to be a stranger in the world again. 

I’ve been living in Flagstaff, Arizona now for almost 20 years after moving here from Alaska to finish college. This community has become like a home to me in those 20 years.

But the last 18 months have been hard. There was an event that changed things for me a year and a half ago, and I’ve spent my time since then trying to recover and move on. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’ve also come to know that I need to step out and get away again if I’m ever going to fully heal from this.

It might be time for me to move on from Arizona after the AT. I’ve been struggling to decide if staying or leaving is best for me now. Lord, how I’ve fought to stay and find my happiness here again. But after this long, it’s clear that I need to leave for some time. Go to trail. Find some space and time. Think. 

From trail, I intend to decide whether or not I’m going to remain here in Flagstaff. I have a lot invested here–friends, a business, a professional reputation, employment, and so much more. But there are demons here too, and I need to get away to think clearly and decide what comes next. 

Wormwood.