“Afraid”

AT Day 69

Miles Today: 22.45

AT Mile: 1242.8

(Allentown Hiking Club Shelter [tent])

It was foggy this morning when I got back to trail. Shit–it’s been foggy like this and the air has felt thick for many days now. It’s growing close to a week. It’s so thick, especially in the mornings, that you can gauge the distance of something just by how much obfuscation there is from humidity in the air.

But it also *felt* foggy this morning, on an emotional/spiritual level.

I slept poorly last night–tossing and turning on the motel room floor, only getting about a half night’s rest. Then, when we stepped out to go back to trail, the air was already wet. Wet in a different way than we’ve experienced over the preceding week though. Not just cold and wet like it looked from the inside of our comfy motel room; this time it was hot and wet from the very get go.

The thought occurred to me in the first few miles of the day that if you had shown me a still frame of some of the moments that I’ve had this last week–in the heat and the rain and the humidity and the wetness–I’m not sure that I would have been willing to take on the Appalachain Trial. Not that I wouldn’t have believed that I *could* do it; rather, that I wouldn’t have been willing to go through the suffering like it’s been lately.

I knew that it would be wet when I came into the trail. But I didn’t know how to train or prepare for that wetness. Maybe I still don’t know the answer. But I am at least more resigned to the daily grind that has been the AT these past few days.

—

Around ten miles into the day I saw another hiker up trail named Flounder. We’ve been crossing paths for several weeks, every time with his insistence that we won’t see one another again because I am going so much faster. And every time he is wrong. He is from Israel and he’s shared with me some of the troubles that he and his family are going through as a result of current conflicts. He’s an older dude, but we also get along quite well. English is his second language, but he speaks it clearly.

Two nights ago we camped together at the 501 shelter; he’s actually the hiker who I met at the McDonalds and who drove back up to trail with me. While we were at the 501 I told him about meeting Boots, our time in Harpers Ferry, and how I’d been feeling about the whole thing that day. The truth was that I was feeling scared and afraid. The weight of the relationship had started to scare me after we parted in Harpers Ferry. I still had the same feelings for her as before our time together–significantly more, if anything. But I also felt conflict about whether what I really wanted was to be alone.

Flounder and I had gone into the shelter early that afternoon, and we spent the day there taking refuge from the rain. So I had time to lay the whole thing out to him in such a way that it even helped me make more sense of the situation.

Flounder shared that he was married with 4 kids, and he gave a lot of advice on the whole thing. The main theme was that I shouldn’t avoid doing something just because I’m afraid of that thing. He said that being afraid is not a good thing to let motivate your life.

Today, as we met again and hiked for 3 miles to the Eckville Shelter, he told me that he’d been thinking about me and that he’d even prayed for me the night prior. He shared that he was reminded of his sister, and that 30 years ago she had called him one day to say that she was afraid. She told him that she was scared because she was falling in love with a partner and she wasn’t sure if he was really what she wanted. Ultimately however, Flounder told me that his sister ended up marrying this guy, who at the time was just a blind date, and they ended up with three or four children.

His point–once again–was don’t let your life be driven by the things you’re afraid of.

—

I cried heavily on trail today. I just stopped hiking, stood there for a moment, and began to cry.

It was the realization that the trail will be over soon. Not soon in a “tomorrow” sense, because there are still over 900 miles to go. But it will be soon in a 100-years-to-live sense. I’ve been chipping away at the Triple Crown for more than 10 years now–most of the time without even realizing that’s what I’ve been doing. And now there are less than 1,000 miles…

I cried for a bit. Wiped my eyes. Then started hiking north again.

The end of this trail will mean a lot of things for me and for my life.

I talked about that for some time with Flounder.

—

We’re now at the Eckville Shelter, which is on private property and staffed by a site host who hiked the trail in 1991 and again in 1996. With all due respect, he is a crotchety fuck. Every bit like that Uber driver that Stranger and I had for our ride into… the Chinese restaurant last week. Everything he has to say is just about how terrible life and the world is. It’s at least part of the reason that I’m about ready to pack up my keyboard and start back to trail. I’m only 15 miles in right now. I’d like to get another 7-10.

I was going to aim to get to the next hostel, which is 13 miles from here, but so far I’ve been dragging ass a bit and don’t feel the need to bust big miles in this humidity.

It’s just past 4pm though. And although I don’t expect the air to cool that much, the temps will start dropping at least some now that it’s later. That may make the miles ahead more tolerable.

—

Seven miles later and I’m exhausted now.

I’m sleeping in my tent for the first night in a few days. I’ve missed it here. I’ll sleep well tonight.

So tired that I’m falling asleep while I write this.

Wormwood.