“Love Songs & Broken Hearts”

AT Day 81

Miles Today: 22.26

AT Mile: 1460.6

(Deuel Hollow Brook [tent])

I’ve always thought that heartbreak was more of a metaphorical idea than a literal breaking of the heart. But I could feel something move in her chest and she pulled me closer after I told her that I probably am not going to visit Tennessee after the trail.

Boots and I had been toying with the idea of my visiting her home after I finish the AT, but as I’ve thought through it more, I continue to struggle to figure out how to make it happen. Not that I don’t want to, but that I don’t know how to make it work.

We were together and off trail yesterday, staying with a friend from CDT and his wife in Connecticut. The day had been overwhelming already; I hadn’t slept well on account of the heat the night before, and my energy felt like it was spread in every different direction.

Stranger and Plinko joined us for the off trail vacation, and my energy was split between them, meeting Hemlock’s wife Rachel, catching up with Hemlock, and trying to find quality time with Boots… all in spite of lacking much sleep.

It didn’t feel like it was going well. I felt like I needed to tell her that I felt a dissonance. But the moment that the words were out of my mouth I felt the heartbreak in my own chest as well as hers. I’ve never had a lover who pulled me close like she does. It makes my heart break even more, knowing that she hasn’t been loved the way that she should have been loved for so much of her life. Knowing that I would treat her better than she’s been treated before. And knowing that it’s becoming harder and harder to envision a way to make coming down to visit her after the trail possible.

She didn’t say anything in response. She just pulled herself closer to me and pushed her ear up against my chest. She cried silently and without tears.

I told her that it wasn’t because I didn’t have love for her, and she told me that she understood. I explained that it had more to do with time and finances–my not knowing how to afford traveling all the way down to the start of the trail after reaching the end of the AT. Not knowing how to do that and not prioritize getting back to work.

My plan after the trail has been taking shape since before starting the hike. Writing has been an important part of all of this. As silly as these journals are to me sometimes, they also represent something much bigger than themselves. They represent my education, my work as a writing teacher, the many creative pursuits in writing before this, and my aspirations in writing going forward. There’s a lot more to be said than just that, but it’ll do for now. The point is that I have wanted to write about the AT in a longer form–something more structured than these daily journals–since before starting the hike.

My plan has been to finish the trail and spend time specifically dedicated to writing.

Post trail depression has also impacted me heavily after my other long hikes, so I want to do something to address that. It’s why I’ll also focus on progressively longer distance trail running in the weeks and months after the AT.

In other words, I want to spend 3-4 weeks focused almost entirely on writing and trail running. It would be my ambition to complete a book draft in that time.

Now, with around a month remaining on trail, that plan has become more specific. I’ll spend the first 5-7 days at a private residence that’s been offered to me by another Appalachian Trail author I met at Trail Days. After that first week, I’d like to go farther south to continue writing and trail running for another 2-3 weeks.

Up until yesterday there had been discussion of that potentially including Tennessee, where Boots lives.

And as much as I still want for that, I just can’t find a way to make sense of it. It’s too far away to drive, and it’s too much to fly there, then fly to Arizona and still have resources available to travel to Colorado for the ALDHA West conference in September.

—

Realizing that was hard. Telling it to Boots was even harder.

Especially as she pulled herself in closer and held onto me.

—

There’s so much more to share about yesterday and the time I had with Boots and my friends at Hemlock’s place in CT. But it’s growing very late and I need to get to sleep. It’s almost 11pm.

Boots and I took a very small dose of a heart opening medicine. The experience was soft and seems to have been exactly what we needed. We ended the evening much more connected again, feeling like the time we had together was quality, even if it was extremely limited. We’re still discussing how to make things work where she can either travel up to see me during one of my writing weeks, or I can spend some of my writing weeks down in TN with her. Feel welcome dear reader, if you are independently wealthy and want to sponsor this chapter of the story, feel free to reach out. Otherwise, it’s something that we’re still going to try to pull together between the two of us.

Life and love are hard.

But I really feel like this might be what it’s all about. Love Songs and Broken Hearts.

—

Boots flew home this morning at 6:30.

The four of us–Hemlock, Stranger, Plinko, and myself–got back to trail via a ride from Rachael and started to trail at around 10.

Right away it was deathly hot and humid. Today was a day where I spent most of the time completely soaked through my clothes. I’d carry my towel in my hands and just keep wiping sweat, then wringing the towel, then wiping, then wringing. For hours. I hate that part of this hike. I hate it so so much. Fuck… I will almost certainly never hike out here again after this trail. I hate the humidity so much!

Stranger plowed miles ahead. The rest of us sauntered on progressively but without haste.

We ate dinner at Toni’s Deli and had a guy named Mark make us the most amazing Philly Cheese Steak sandwich that any of us had ever seen.

We got to camp late.

Stranger built a fire.

We stayed up late together talking and laughing.

It’s good to have Hemlock back on trial with me. It brings back so many memories from the 2019 CDT, and I can see in him that hiking is good for him. I’m happy that he’ll be with us on trail for at least a few days, if not the better part of a week! It’s funny though–whenever we meet someone who asks us if we’re hiking the whole trail, he’s so quick to make it clear that this is just Day 1 for him and that he’s only here for a week. It’s funny because he doesn’t’ add on that he’s already a Triple Crown hiker and actually has more miles under his belt than any of the rest of us.

So so late now.

It will rain tonight.

We will hike into Kent tomorrow for resupply.

I’m so tired.

Wormwood.