“I’m Not the Only One”

AT Day 121

Miles Today: 16.45

AT Mile: 1933.4

(Baldpate Lean-to [tent])

I was reminded today that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m not the only one who screams profanity into the open mountain air. I’m not the only one tired of the heat. I’m not the only one frusterated by the lack of progress in spite of the abundance of effort. I’m not the only one who has reached the limits of his patience.

Today I met a hiker named OldSchool who I haven’t seen in almost a thousand miles. We sat down together at first and had some water and snacks. When the conversation got to how we’re currently feeling about the trail, we both agreed that we are no longer having fun. OldSchool echoed a lot of the things that I’ve been feeling and that I listed in my last journal. He also said that tempers amongst other hikers seem to be getting tight as well. He relayed a story from last night where one hiker snapped at another in the shelter for having his headlamp’s red light on.

“I think everyone is feeling a bit on edge after these last couple hundred miles of trail,” OldSchool said. And just in hearing him say that I felt something shift inside of me. Like the realization that I’m not the only one walking in hell makes it somehow more tolerable.

Might it have to do with not feeling so alone? Might it connect back to that primal desire that started this whole walk in the first place? Is it just about not wanting to feel like I’m the only one?

—

Temperatures were hot today. They are forecast to become hotter in the coming four days. Today it was 88 degrees with hug humidity. By the end of the weekend it will be in the 90s.

I remember having a thought about my foot pain on the PCT, that if I had known my foot pain was going to be that bad for the entire trail, I likely would not have made it to the end. I just kept believing all along the way that eventually it was going to go away or get better, but it never did until I stopped hiking after the end of the trial.

That’s how I feel about the heat and humidity of this trail. I was completely delusional in thinking that the temperatures would be more managable by now. I was clearly wrong. I actually thought that maybe by the time I crossed the Mason/Dixon line that temperatures would start to slowly cool off. But in fact, they just got hotter from there. And now the trail is in its northernmost state, and it’s still unbearable.

I cannot stress enough just how much the heat of this trail affects things for the worse! It has taken so much away from my enjoyment of this hike.

Today I had the thought that if you were to take everything that you associate with hiking, then take out all of the parts that are enjoyable or make hiking fun, then what you have left is the f*cking Appalachian Trail. And I’m sorry for being so blunt and crass about it, but the heat makes me feel that way.

It’s hot from the moment I wake up in the morning until after I finish dinner. It’s awful. I only wish there were better words for it than I can find now. So it’ll have to remain only that–awful. But remember that it’s worse than that; it’s worse than awful.

—

I had a trail magik moment this afternoon.

I was going to go into Bethel for food resupply, but met with OldSchool who convinced me to wait for the next town. Also, the hostel that I was hoping to stay at in Bethel said that they had no space available today. So I continued on, but just before leaving that last parking lot, someone walked by. It was the author named Emily whom I had met at Trail Days, and who offered her home to me after the trail. She lives close to the end of the AT and has opened her home up for a few days so that I can start collecting my thoughts and working on turning these journals into something larger and more structured.

She’s been up here supporting two other hikers who live near her, and so I knew that she was close by. But I didn’t expect to see her today.

We talked for a half hour and she fed me donuts and a ham sandwich. Which will be enough food to tide me over to the next town of Andover.

I have the choice of going to Andover in 8 or in 20 miles. I’ll decide tomorrow.

—

Hiked through “the notch” today. It’s supposedly the “most difficult mile of the AT.” My feeling on the matter after today is that it’s just the most poorly built mile of trail. A lot of the trail these last few days has been miserable. The climbs are untenable and the descents are unenjoyable. These were trials built before people knew how to build trails. They strip the fun from hiking.A

And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.

—

So tired that I can barely keep both eyes open. I’m dozing off.

Wormwood.