“But Did You Find Yourself?”

AT Day 131

Miles Today: 21.58

AT Mile: 2074.8

(Horeshoe Canyon Lean-To [tent])

I have to be short tonight, as my battery bank has died and my phone is almost dead. Not sure what happened to the bank, but fortunately I only have a half day tomorrow before I get to a place where I can recharge. It’ll be my last hostel of the trail–Shaw’s.

Last night it was cold. It was extremely cold. I shivered through most of the night, and even tried putting on a second layer of socks to stay warmer. It didn’t help much. That ended up being my excuse for sleeping in this morning though. I had been so cold through the night that I wasn’t about to go out into the open air again until the sun warmed it up a bit. It wasn’t until 9 that I was on trail this morning.

Still, today ended up being my first day over 20 miles in three weeks! The trail grade has been so much more enjoyable and mellow these last two days. It’s trail that makes me remember why I liked thru hiking in the first place. It’s trail that makes me want to be back on the PCT again. The grade of that trail is so much more managable what the New Hampshire and Southern Maine sections of the AT have been.

Met two older dudes up on top of a mountain today. It was Moxie Bald, and the views were spectacular. They were clearly day hikers and both in their late sixties or early seventies. They also presented the most stereotypical Boston character that I’ve ever met in person. It was fun talking with them. I was a bit trippy and philosophical as I met them up at the top of the Bald, and as one of them asked me when I started and said that “it couldn’t have been earlier than we started,” I told them that I started a long time ago. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about starting *today* so late, only that I started my hike probably before theirs.

I told them that I started in Georgia, and they had the typical questions. Then one of them started going on about what a hard time they had getting to trail today. He said that they started out from their home at 5am, got stuck in traffic, got lost, couldn’t find the trail for a long time, but finally found it and made it up to where we were meeting.

“But did you find yourself?” I asked. It was a cliche, but still felt right.

“What’s that?” He asked, either because he didn’t hear me or because he didn’t understand what I was asking.

So I repeated. “Did you find yourself?”

The old dude scoffed. “Kid,” he started. “I’m too old for that.”

“Is that to say you already found yourself?” I asked.

He scoffed again and said something about that being a long time ago. I asked him if he had any wisdom to share or any advice on how a “kid like me” could find himself if he’s still looking. He thought about it for a moment, and I could tell he was really thinking. Then he said, “Keep going forward.”

I don’t have a clue what that meant, but maybe I do. I guess it’s the point of what everyone tells me when I ask them if they have wisdom: Just fucking do it. Go forward. Don’t let fear keep you from going after what you want in life. Keep moving forward.

—

It was a nice day on trail today and it was enough to remind me why I get into thru hikes in the first place. The gram and a half of mushrooms helped.

I’m at the verge of tears right now, thinking how close I am to the end. As I write there is a hiker named Haribo in the next tent space over, playing his ukalali. He and I have been crossing paths since Waynesboro, Virginia. Never for long, but here and there. He carries that little Uke, and plays a song at every shelter. I hadn’t heard him play in a long time before tonight. But here I am, with the smell of camp fire in the air, the ambient sound of the river not far off, and the songs of another longing hiker not far off.

—

We’re close to the end now.

Soon this will be something that I’m no longer in but looking back on.

I’m going to fucking miss it out here.

Out here I’ve become more true to who I’m supposed to be. That hasn’t always been what I wanted to be, but it’s been what I needed to be.

This trail too has been what it needed to be.

I hope to bring it with me.

Wormwood.