“Miss Her Once She’s Gone”

AT Day 133

Miles Today: 19.41

AT Mile: 2102.9

(Cloud Pond Lean-to [tent])

There had been high praises of Shaw’s Hiker Hostel for a long ways down trail, but that could be said for several other places as well, and few of them lived up to the hype. Shaw’s was a standout exception. The only place that I’ve found as nice was the Om Dome, which was interestingly also in the northern miles of Maine. The two hostels were very different from one another in a lot of ways, but in the things that mattered, they were the same–they both felt authentic, they both provided food and rest, they were both simple, they were both experienced, and they both felt professional.

An added benefit to Shaw’s was the outdoor gear shop, Poet’s Gear Emporium, which is connected to the hostel. I spent more than I would have liked for the last hundred miles of the trail, but I’m unwilling to suffer if I don’t have to at this point. I’m willing to carry a bit extra weight for a week if it means staying warmer at night (new quilt liner at just over a hundred smakaroos) and not having to stress about whether my battery bank was going to work or not (new battery bank at sixty). The thought on everything that I added to my gear however is that this will not be my last trip; it’s just my last trip of the Appalachian Trail.

Breakfast at the hostel was fun. The mood at Shaw’s is electric! Everyone’s so close to the end that there’s a palpable vibration in the air. We still had just over a hundred miles to hike as of this morning, and that feels like such a far distance to cover over mountains and forest on foot, but in the context of a twenty-two hundred mile trail, the miles remaining feel minuscule.

I think that several of us also got new gear and were willing to shell out a few more bones for better food for this final stretch. After eating macaroni for dinner at least a hundred and ten out of the last hundred and thirty nights, I want to eat nicely for the end. So I paid about twelve bucks per dinner, and I observed several others did too. I think this also lent a feeling of excitement for the miles ahead. They won’t have to be like some of the drudgery that we’ve gone to up to here. There’s a potential, by golly, that this could actually be fun!

—

Got to trail at nine thirty this morning after a shuttle back to trail from Poet, the owner at Shaw’s Hostel. He was incredibly supportive as well. One of the most genuine dudes I’ve ever met. So many of the people who want to give advice to hikers seem to be out of touch, but Poet has thru hiked, and seems to have been around long enough that he actually has something worth hearing.

He gave a little lecture about the last stretch of the AT and recommending that we embrace it and enjoy it because two weeks after the end we’re all going to be dreaming about being back out here again. It landed well. It came from a good place and didn’t feel soppy. I appreciated it.

I was the last of the group to start to trail from the parking lot, as I dropped pack and fished through to find two half gram mushroom capsules. Then, for the next three hours proceeded up trail into some of the most gorgeous forest that the trail has offered so far. In all the ways that I hated Maine in her southern miles, the central and northern parts of the Maine AT have been truly incredible. And the trail isn’t so bad here either. There’s still decent climbing and decent over the day, but it’s nothing like New Hampshire and Southern Maine!

Did something today that I haven’t done in too long. I put in one headphone, and I danced down the trail. I’ve danced a time or two here and there over the last five hundred miles. But today felt like the energy I had at the start of the trail–all the way back in Georgia when it was all still new and I still felt strong.

In so many ways I feel reduced down to something physically weaker than I was at the start of the trail. I’ve lost a lot of upper body muscle. But today that burden didn’t seem to bother me in the same way that it had been over the last month. For this morning at least, I danced down trail and didn’t care about anything else in the world. I thought of past friends and lovers. I thought about some of the people who have hurt me… some of them being past friends and lovers. I thought about some of the people who have loved me and whom I have loved.

Human connection is a damn complicated thing!

I don’t hate it for that. But sometimes it is hard to be alive, in this life, and on this ride.

—

This afternoon I passed the 2,100 mile marker. One of the other hikers who are camped at this shelter reminded me that means we are down to double digit miles! Less than a hundred remaining…

It’s hard to wrap my mind around.

Less than a hundred miles to go…

Along with the passage of days these last two weeks, it’s felt like there’s been something building. I thought about it this morning on trail in the trip. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like this thing that is all around and everywhere. It’s quiet but massive, and it’s been building now for some time; I think that I’ve been aware of it for a week or so.

It’s this unnamable thing that will be the end of the trail. It will be the end of something important to me. I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating that there’s an irony in finishing a long trail. In the moment you finish the hike, you go from being within the electricity that is “doing it” to something very different which is “to have done it.” We hike all this way so that at the end we can say we’ve hiked the AT, but the moment that we reach the top and can make that claim, we lose this thing that is so precious and so magical–the experience of the hike itself.

God… there’s so much more to dig into within that can of worms. But it’s growing late and I need to sleep soon, so I’ll leave it be.

—

Tomorrow will likely be my longest day for the remainder of the trial. Weather is looking good, the vertical profile is challenging but not intimidating, and I have the food for it. I’ll either cover 24 or 28 miles. There are camping options at either mile point.

Then, the following day at 2pm I and three other hikers have a food drop being delivered from Shaw’s Hostel at the half way point of the Hundred Mile Wilderness. Some hikers opt to carry all their supplies through this full stretch, but again, I wanted to pamper myself for the end, and so I’m eating well and will have even more food delivered in two days. That also means that I need to plan my miles accordingly to arrive at that road crossing at the designated time that the drop is scheduled.

Anyways, those are issues for another day. For now, I’m going to go to sleep listening to crickets and frogs beside this lake. I’ve been told to expect loons as well. I haven’t heard them out yet tonight, but several other lakes have had them.

I’m going to miss it out here. Even for all the hell it’s been along the way, I’m going to miss it once it’s gone.

Wormwood.