-20 days to trail 

16.47 miles

The first day is just a technicality, on a multi-day trip. I’ve felt that way for a long time.

The first day you’re waking up in civilization and in all the comforts that comes with it. Only on the second day do you get to wake up in the wilderness and then go to sleep in it that night as well. There’s a completely different feeling being out here for the entire day, waking up and going to sleep in my tent. It’s something magical and it’s reminiscent. It’s been too long, and I’m looking forward to much more of this very soon, once I get to the AT.

I’ll be starting the AT three weeks from today. 

And after today, I think that I feel ready. I’m more comfortable with my gear after these two multi day trips these last three weeks. I feel ready. 

—

I woke up after sunrise. It was loud and windy last night, camped up on that outcropping. It made for a beautiful start to the day, but it was so loud last night that my sleep was heavily affected. Tonight I’ll take a melatonin. I’m considering getting a new sleeping pad for the AT too. I’ve used this one for a long time, but I feel like it’s worth going heavier for more comfort and better sleep once I’m out there.

It took around 45 minutres to break camp and get to trail this morning. Could have been faster, but mostly I was checking my system and organization. I feel good with setting and breaking camp. One thing that I did note is that I need to have things set the night before so that I can break and get back to trail more quickly in the morning. I’ve attempted to do that tonight. 

I took a small amount of mushrooms this morning, and again at noon. It was nothing dramatic, but it was enough to affect the first part of the day for the better. For that matter, the after-glow affected the rest of the day too, and left me especially contemplative, which is what I wanted from this trip. 

This being my third time hiking the Escalente route, I should have had sense to be completely sober for the morning portion, as there is a rock slide section and a cliff that you have to descend when approaching from the west. I remembered both of them, but failed to appreciate just how remarkable those two features on the trail are. I found assurance in knowing that the AT will most certainly contain nothing so intense. 

The weather was hot today, but the trail was amazing. I absolutely love the Escalente Route. I’ve never done it from the west, going east, so this was new for me today. I’ve also never done this as a multi-day trip, so that’s been cool to see the trip from a different direction and to spend so much more time down here below the rim. It’s been good for me to feel the difference in my legs after two days compared to carrying weight for only one full day. 

I met two or three groups of hikers today. Talked with one group for five minutes and a couple for maybe fifteen. It’s made me feel more comfortable going to the AT. I feel more equipped and experienced in this than I think I give myself credit for. At my core, I am still quite an insecure mess in most aspects of life. Maybe that’s why I hike–because it’s simple and I know I can do it. 

I arrived at Tanner Beach, where I’m permitted to camp at around 4pm. It was still three hours to dark, and I really don’t know what to do with myself when there’s that much time left in the day. It made me long for the thru trail, where I don’t have to set camp until the day is over. With the extra time I bathed in the Colorado River, which was cold as hell, and did laundry. I didn’t need to wash my clothes, but like much about this trip, it had more to do with testing my system and seeing how things feel before going to the AT. 

Tomorrow I have the choice of just hiking from here, out the Tanner Trail, or I can do a yo-yo of the Beamer Trail. The first option would be 7.5 miles; the later will be closer to 28. I’ve never been on the Beamer, so that will be cool, but I’ve also been told that it’s an aggressive trail, so I’m likely to approach it sober tomorrow morning, and see if I can get all the way to the Little Colorado River before coming back and heading out. Either way I need to exit tomorrow and I need to be out early enough to hitch back to my car. There have been times where that has not gone well for me in the past, and other times where it has gone well. So I want to allow some extra time before sunset tomorrow to making sure I can get a ride back to my car at the Grandview trailhead.

Either way, what’s important here is that I feel confident in my trail setup and training. I may switch out a thing or two, but for the most part I’m really pleased with where things are and I feel ready for the AT. I’m going to miss the Grand Canyon, having been here probably a dozen times since January alone, but I also suspect that I’ll be back after the summer’s done. I’ll do one more hike here with some friends next week, but that will just be a day trip. Otherwise, the AT is about to be underfoot. 

It’s close. 

Wormwood.

-21 days to trail

12.2 miles

I’m back in my tent again tonight. And back in the Grand Canyon. My second multi-day trip here in three weeks. 

Last week I took off from hiking and worked, but I wanted one more overnight before leaving for the AT. My gear felt good when I brought it down here two weeks ago, but I’ve made a couple small changes, and just feeling that much closer to my final AT setup feels really good. My keyboard for example–that last trip I typed my journal entry out with thumbs because my old trail keyboard wasn’t working anymore, but I’ve replaced it and am happy to be typing on a full keyboard again. It’ll make reporting from the AT a lot easier. 

I left Flagstaff late today. Around noon. I only had 7-9 miles planned, but it became 13.5 before things were done. 

Not a lot of people hiking below the rim today due to there still being a bit of snow and ice on trail up top, but below that the trail has been wonderful. I was able to make much faster miles than on the descent after the snow storm two weeks ago. It was fast enough on trail that I chose to add extra miles by dropping off the west side of Horseshoe Mesa and hiking all the way around it, mostly so that I didn’t end up at camp too early. Then, even when I got to Hance Creek, where I planned to camp, there was still enough light to make more miles, so I added a few more to bring me to here. 

I’m camped on this rock outcropping on the Tonto Layer, about 15 feet from a cliff that drops down to the river. It’s not a sketchy camp site, but it’s an incredible view… or it will be in the morning after the sun’s up. I hiked until after dark to get here. Didn’t want to camp in the back of Hance Canyon where the sun wouldn’t hit tomorrow until late. 

I met another hiker today who was wearing a CDT hat. I asked him about it and he told me that he hadn’t hiked the CDT, but that he’d hiked other trails. He asked me my trail name, and when I told him, he said that he recognized it. His sounded familiar too, and we talked for some time to try to remember where we had met before, but never figured it out. We went our separate ways, him and his party walking west, and I walked east. 

It’s lonesome down here, and my heart hurts. I’ve been in a hard place these last couple of days… or maybe these last couple of years. Being alone in it like this is hard. I want to be here with others. But this is where I am in life right now. 

Tomorrow I’ll continue east on the Tonto Trail and then to the Escelante Route. I’ll do the full Escelante to Tanner Beach, and camp there tomorrow evening. Tomorrow’s miles will be around 16 or 18. Nothing big. 

My third day I have a choice of between 7.5-29 miles. I’d like to do the longer, but suspect that I’ll be tired and choose to do the shorter. Either way, I’ll be coming out the Tanner Trail on Sunday and hitch back to my car from there. 

I feel ready for the AT. 

Wormwood. 

-26 days to trail

Four months ago it was November.

Four months seems like so far back, but I knew that it would be this way–that it would pass quickly, but also feel like such a long time; both at once. 

I had already decided to hike the Appalachian Trail by then. That choice came in the late summer, maybe a month or two prior. But I remember being there, thinking about starting the AT in spring, and that it felt so far away still. From there, it would still be six months–a half a year. 

Having been through this process before however, I knew that it would be this way. That six months would go by in an instant. And then I’d be on trail, where it’ll feel the same once again–from Georgia it will feel like Maine is impossibly far off, but that great distances pass quickly in hindsight. 

This concept is important to me–the simultaneous existence of seemingly contradictory ideas. The “coincidencia oppositorim.” It’s something I’ve considered a lot on long trails and in life. Neither black, white, or gray, but both black and white at once. 

Time passes so quickly and so slowly all at once. 

—

In a month I’ll be on trail. And I don’t know how to feel about that. 

I want to just be excited, and to be clear, I am excited. But I’m also nervous and somewhat trepidatious. About all the things that I can’t prepare for from home. 

I’ve prepped what I can though–in physical training and equipment. I have what I think I need and I feel like I’ve prepared what I can. I know however that the AT will be different than the other long trails I’ve walked, and in ways that I can’t fully know until getting out there and putting feet on the ground. 

It will feel good to have that part over I think–to be started and in it. That always feels better compared to before the trail. I always feel anxieties before the start. 

I’m anxious to meet the other hikers. It’s something important about the AT that’s drawing me out there. I’ve been with so many of the same faces and in the same patterns of life for long enough now that I’m overdue for something new. It will do me good to be amongst many new faces and to be a stranger in the world again. 

I’ve been living in Flagstaff, Arizona now for almost 20 years after moving here from Alaska to finish college. This community has become like a home to me in those 20 years.

But the last 18 months have been hard. There was an event that changed things for me a year and a half ago, and I’ve spent my time since then trying to recover and move on. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’ve also come to know that I need to step out and get away again if I’m ever going to fully heal from this.

It might be time for me to move on from Arizona after the AT. I’ve been struggling to decide if staying or leaving is best for me now. Lord, how I’ve fought to stay and find my happiness here again. But after this long, it’s clear that I need to leave for some time. Go to trail. Find some space and time. Think. 

From trail, I intend to decide whether or not I’m going to remain here in Flagstaff. I have a lot invested here–friends, a business, a professional reputation, employment, and so much more. But there are demons here too, and I need to get away to think clearly and decide what comes next. 

Wormwood.