AT Day 65

Miles Today: 22.34

AT Mile: 1161.2

(Peters Mountain Shelter)

I’ve become used to this shelter thing.

Sleeping in my third one tonight. Maybe it’s partly to get out of the rain, but also because I’m just more comfortable with shelters after being in them for a few nights now.

—

Woke early this morning to heavy rain. I wore ear plugs because the guy camped next to me said that he was going to be snoring. Never heard him snore, but also didn’t hear the rain at first when it started to fall.

By the time I heard it, it was pouring down and my shoes were starting to get wet from sticking slightly out beyond the protection of the tent vestibule. It could have been worse, but I’m glad that I woke to zip my tent and tuck my shoes away when I did.

The rain gave me reason to sleep in later than I have been. My alarm went off at 5:30 and I quickly turned that shit off, both unhappy about the rain and glad that it gives me a reason to sleep in.

—

The trail was crazy hot yesterday, but the rain brought the temperatures down significantly today.

Just over ten miles into the town of Duncannan, then about 13 miles to the shelter where I’m staying tonight.

—

The town was curious. It felt old and historical, but also felt like it had a drug problem. Both may have been true.

But I wanted laundry and a shower, and lord knows that I was going to find the best food in town. Small town, but they had an awesome Philly Cheese Steak joint. It was small, like the town, but the food was great.

—

Only twenty-two miles today because the next shelter is about 20 miles from here.

I used to not care about the shelters when it came to camping, but true to its reputation, Pennsylvania is rocky as hell. It’s impossible to find a place that’s flat, except for by shelters where campsites have been “built.” That also gives me a reason to sleep in the shelter, since I’m already here.

—

Mosquitos have been absolutely incredible these last two days. I know that it’s going to only get worse from here. I’ve been using Picardian, and that seems to help. I like it better than deet. I like that it isn’t harsh enough to melt plastic.

Still tick free from what I can tell.

—

I’m growing more familiar with all of the hikers in my “community.” I think that I talked about not expecting to find a trail family on the AT, but I am seeing people regular enough that I know most of them by name and they know me by name. It feels good to feel like I have a space where I fit and belong. And a place where people know (at least this version of) me.

—

This afternoon it rained heavily after leaving Duncannan. It only lasted for about an hour, but I was mostly soaked from it. There was a time where I was trying to keep my feet dry, but after some time I just gave it up and let the soaking happen. Temps are much warmer than they were during the last big rains that I saw on the AT, before Trail Days, so it doesn’t feel quite as bad to be wet. But I’m still unending grateful for my higher quality rain jacket and umbrella.

—

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my weekend with Boots in Harpers Ferry. There have been no moments that I’ve regretted that time we spent together. It was tremendously good for me. I felt recharged when I left my time with her. The weekend was a really, really good thing for me.

But there’s no denying that it pulled me away from the hike itself. I felt like I was able to slide back into the trail afterwords, but there was a little bit of a difference.

The two of us have continued to communicate via phone and text since parting at Harpers, but it hasn’t been as intense as we had been going into Harpers. We both talk about the next time we’ll get to see one another, and we still talk about reconnecting after the trail. She’s looked into the what I’d need to do in order to transfer my massage license from Arizona to somewhere out here.

Impossible for me to not be at least a little bit scared by it. I feel pulled in different directions. I want to lean into the connection that we share like I did before Harpers, but I also feel an equally strong pull telling me to just stay with the trail and not let myself be distracted by feathers in the wind.

It’s hard, and I knew that we were playing with fire when we started into this. Neither of us express regret for getting into it, but both of us now acknowledge what it is.

For the time being, my plan is to spend some time with her after the trail… maybe even do some writing and trail running down in her part of the woods. She’s looking into flights into Connecticut, to see me again up trail, but it scares me.

Some of the good in thru hiking is that it makes things more simple. Life is hard on the trail, but in that difficulty, it’s also simple. But matters of the heart are hard, and I have felt strain there since inviting a parter into my world.

A thought that I had today… still not sure how I feel about it–I spent all this time since the failure of my last relationship, trying to find security and safety in another relationship… trying to find the feeling of being loved again. Now that I have it, I find myself asking if it’s what I really want, or if what I wanted was just to go back to the comforts that I used to have in a relationship. Now that I have the option of a relationship, and even a clear path to it, I’m asking for the first time in so many years if maybe what I’m supposed to be in this life is alone.

There’s nothing that I’m more scared of than being alone. But all the time I’ve spent alone… I have to wonder if this is where I thrive best.

Good lord… I’m starting to scratch against the surface of something enormous, deep, and important. But I don’t know if I have the words for it tonight. It’s been an idea that I’ve been exploring through the miles for a few days. This idea of loneliness. Of being alone again.

I haven’t accepted this loneliness since 2019. But tonight it feels familiar. Even if I still have a longing in my heart to be with someone.

Nothing important is ever easy.

My heart and my feet both wander.

Until tomorrow —

Wormwood.

AT Day 64

Miles Today: 27.53

AT Mile: 1138.9

(Darlington Shelter [tent])

There has been a sort of ringing in the air since arriving into Pennsylvania. At first I thought that it must have been the ringing of distant railroad tracks. But as it kept on that first day, I thought that it must be something else. Only today, with all the cecadia shells and bodies spread all over the place, does it become apparent to me where the ringing has been coming from. It’s been the ringing of ten million bugs.

You never know about social rumors on the trail, but I heard from another hiker that the cecadia hatch is a “17 year hatch” and that we should see ourselves as very fortunate to be here to witness this one. Another one like it won’t happen for 17 years.

It’s funny to me that I start today’s journal with the sound of the cecadia thought. Although those do stick out in my memory from this morning (it went on for hours, but disappeared by afternoon), the thing that seemed foremost on my mind in the early hours was the goddam moth-worm webs! Lord almighty–I was trying not to lose my mind with those things. It was another one of those examples where I had to walk down trail literally swinging my hiking poles at the open air in front of me as I walked, so that the poles could catch the invisible strands of web rather than my f*cking face. Pardon the language, but I really want to make clear–those webs *suck* in the morning hours! They make me want to sleep in later and let someone else knock them out before me.

—

I was early to trail again this morning, but not as early as yesterday. Today I set an alarm for 5 and one for 5:30. I snoozed right though the first one, but I was still on trail at 5:45. Sleeping in shelter makes the job of packing up so much easier and faster!

Early in the day I came across another hiker’s camp. It was a hiker named Gravity. We’d crossed paths a few times in the last week before we finally introduced one another at the general store yesterday. He is Swiss, and his accent sounds like Warner Hertzog (if I’m remembering it correct). Language was one of the first things we talked about while we both ate a pint of ice cream yesterday–both of our first of two. He told me that he was raised trilingual. I told him that the accent makes him sound smart.

“That’s funny,” he said. “Because we are so influenced by Germany in both our accent and in our lives. And the Germans, they think the Swiss accent makes us sound stupid.”

“But don’t the Germans think that everyone is stupid, except for themselves?” I asked.

Gravity laughed and said, “Yes. That is true.”

—

As I rolled up on his camp this morning, he was eating breakfast and I asked if I could sit and relax with him for a few minutes before going on my way. He said of course, and we talked for probably ten minutes before I went back to trail.

We mostly made small talk, but at one point I asked if I could tell him the story of my situation with women recently. Actually, I think I started by asking about his wedding band–how long he’d been married, and if it was his first.

“Yes, and hopefully my last if everything goes well.”

I told him that I nearly got married, but that it ended very badly, and that I was out on trail to get away from that place and the people connected with that chapter of my life.

Gravity told me not to worry because I still have a lot of time left to figure these things out. That there’s no rush for me to be finding a wife or getting married. “You’re still young. You have time to for that later on.”

“Can I ask, honestly, how *young* you think I am?”

Gravity thought about it for a few seconds, then said “twenty-six.”

It was flattering.

I always get people under guessing my age, and anymore I’ve learned to take it as a compliment. But most people don’t undershoot by a full 14 years!

I told him I turn 40 in 4 months and surprise showed on his face. “You look so young! But maybe I am wrong; it is time you find a wife then if you’re almost 40.”

I wasn’t sure how to take his advice, so instead I turned the subject to the cafe at Boiling Springs, which we’d reach in 8 miles.

—

The hike was mostly mellow this morning. Rolling hills and a few rocks to hop around between.

At around noon I walked into the town of Boiling Springs. A little tiny a trail town. But it had a cafe with great nachos and air conditioning, so I went with it. Nothing overly special about my visit to the town. But still a nice little town.

The temps were hot today and humidity was high. Not quite as hot as yesterday, but with humidity like this, it barely matters.

—

Getting so tired that I’m actively falling asleep.

Got to call it.

With love.

Wormwood.

AT Day 63

Miles Today: 25.0

AT Mile: 1112.6

(Pine Grove Furnace State Park/James Fry Shelter)

Strange that I had that nightmare two nights ago, and then ended my journal with it last night. Because right afterwords I went to sleep and had the same basic dream. Still weird and kafkaesque, like dreams always are, but spun on the same theme. Namely that I’d done something unspeakable horrible (that part is never actually part of the dream), and that I’m now about to be caught for that thing.

Part of it is that I know that the thing I did wrong isn’t of my character–and that it’s not something that I’d ever do (which makes it kafkaesque I guess)–but I still have to take the consequences.

Sorry… I always hate it when people go on and on about their dreams. I don’t mean to do the same.

—

Woke from nightmares early this morning. It was still dark-dark. It was 4am, and I was on trail at 4:30 on the dot.

I’d been hearing for some time now that today’s going to be hot–possibly breaking 90, and with the combined humidity and stagnant air, that makes hiking intolerable. So all the hikers at that shelter collectively agreed that we’d have our alarms set for 4am and that we’d be on trail at 4:30. I was the first to trail, and most of them were still asleep when I left.

First thing this morning I thought I startled a toad. It happens sometimes; I’ll hear a rock turn or a leaf crumple, then look down to see a toad or something.

This morning that happened, and I looked down to the tip of my hiking pole, where the sound came from, but I didn’t see any toad. I stood there for a couple of seconds, my eyes still blurry from the lack of sleep, my headlamp flashing around at the ground until I eventually saw the coiled copperhead, two feet away from me.

I stepped back before taking a picture.

It was strange being up and hiking so early, but I also liked getting so many miles done so early. By noon I had more than 15 miles done.

It was my first day getting “ten by ten.”

—

My sleep quality was mixed last night. I fell asleep well, but tossed a bit between midnight and 3am. Didn’t get nearly enough sleep either. Caffeine kept me going through the morning, but I still felt full from Chinese Buffett as I walked those first half dozen miles this morning.

—

Last night there were two hikers at the shelter, talking about “feeling old.” One of them is 20 and one of them 26 years old. I asked her how she thinks that might make me feel.

She asked if she could guess how old I was, and I told her of course.

She started at 29. Then started acting more flabbergasted as her guesses went above 35.

Eventually I told her, “I turn 40 in 4 months.”

The other hiker made a comment that it must be somethign about the psychedelics. I said maybe, and reminded him that I don’t drink or smoke (tobacco).

—

At one point this morning I passed two hikers who were off in the distance, collecting water from a spring that was just off trail. At first I just heard the sound of two peoples’ voices, then as I got closer it became clear that they were arguing with one another. Then I heard one of the couple yelling at a dog, and that’s when I realized who they must have been. It’s a couple that I’ve met two or three times before this. Every time I’ve met them they’ve left a bad impression. The first time was over a month ago. It was raining and I was stopped to get water when I heard them approaching with an iPhone playing music through a Bluetooth speaker. They had a little dog with them and the man kept chastising the dog. Every time I’ve seen them with that dog he’s been barking at that damn dog! And they were arguing with one another that first time I saw them.

That’s been the scene every time I’ve seen them. The one time I saw them not fighting was at a bar, where they were both getting sloshed. Not sure where the dog was at the time. That was also the bar where I heard another patron use the N word openly. It was a bad scene.

This time I didn’t even see them. The spring was just far enough off trail that I could hear their bickering and hear him yelling at the dog, but I never walked over there to get water or see them.

At this point I feel like I can just feel the energy that they exude. I don’t know what better word to call it than toxic.

It’s been impossible for me not to reflect back on my last long relationship, and try to wonder if that’s the energy that we were producing together at the end. Lord how my memory of the ending is awful. But only now that two years have passed is it becoming possible to look back through what might be a clearer point of view and realize that was us in those bushes, trying to keep our relationship together, even though it’s clear to everyone else that it’s nothing but toxic and characterized by dispute.

—

As for the actual trail today, it’s been beautiful!

Watching the sunrise has been magic.

There have been unbelievable blooms of mountain laurel flowers from first light all the way to the full light of day!

I also passed the half-way point of the Appalachian Trail this morning.

It’s been introspective to think back on 1,100 miles.

500 miles ago it felt like this was such a long trail. I can’t explain how today, 600 miles later, 2,200 miles doesn’t seem like all that far.

I mean… yes, it’s a long fucking way. That’s an objective statement. But subjectively… I mean… it’s… it’s not that bad. It almost feels managable.

—

Temps are high today.

I got a reading of just over 90 degrees at around 11am, but I was fortunate. Just beyond the half way point there is a campground, general store, and showers. I’ve been here charging my electronics and eating ice cream and burgers ever since. It’s shaded here, and there’s AC inside where the grill is located.

I planned on spending the afternoon off trail until temps drop, but I didn’t know that I’d be so fortunate to have a facility like this one to hang out while I wait for the temps.

There are about ten hikers here as well. All of us waiting in the shade and eating ice cream. It’s something of a tradition on the AT to eat a half gallon of ice cream here, at the half-way point of the trail. That sounded splendid before getting here. But now that I’m here, it just isn’t happening.

*Could* it happen?

Yes.

But I’m not willing to go through that kind of pain.

There are probably 5 others here who have done it. I settled for 2.5 pints, a big-ass burger, and 2 diet Pepsis. Of course I went the diet direction with the sodas.

I don’t want to go back to trail for a few more hours still. The day feels like it should be later than it is, but starting at 4:30 will do that for you. I’ll probably wait here until at least 4pm before going back to trail.

Not sure if I’ll write more tonight or not.

—

Part 2:

Today was another one of those good days, all broken up into many parts.

Waking up that early was rough, but getting the miles in early was nice. I’ll be up early tomorrow as well, but I’m giving it another hour. I’ll be up at 5 and on trail by 5:15. I need to get some more sleep tonight.

I’m becoming a bit of a shelter-whore, I guess. This will be my second consecutive night in a shelter. There are four of us here, but only two in the shelter. The other two are camped outside.

Ended up swimming in the lake by that general store for around an hour after writing this afternoon. The water was amazing, and it was the first time that I’ve been swimming like that in years. I swam until my hands started to cramp from cupping the water.

Then Stranger and I hiked the last 7 miles today from that lake to the James Fry Shelter. Someone brought to our attention that he and I both look incredibly similar. They actually had thought that we were brothers. Until someone brought it up, I hadn’t realized, but we do have a lot in common physically. He’s only 20 years old and this is his first ever over-night hike. But we started the same day, and have a few other things in common. Whole lot we don’t have in common though. I think I said last night–he reminds me a lot of myself when I was closer to his age. I can only imagine what would have become of me if I’d started thru hiking all the way back then.

Temps were hot for those 7 miles, but having someone to talk to for the entire time made the time go by so much faster. We are both solo hikers, and by now on the AT, it’s pretty well established who is solo and who is with a group or pair. As solo hikers, we may spend some miles together, but neither of us expects to spend much time together in the grand scheme. Stranger has noted however that he’s enjoyed finding a bit of connection with me and with the other hikers who were doing the half gallon challenge today. So I suspect he might slow his miles for more of that kind of connection. I could be wrong. Either way is the right way.

The forecast is calling for rain starting tomorrow and carrying into the next 4 days. It shouldn’t be anything catastrophic, but it will bring temperatures down at least a little bit.

I think that’s about it.

Definitely calling it a night.

Wormwood.