-21 days to trail

12.2 miles

I’m back in my tent again tonight. And back in the Grand Canyon. My second multi-day trip here in three weeks. 

Last week I took off from hiking and worked, but I wanted one more overnight before leaving for the AT. My gear felt good when I brought it down here two weeks ago, but I’ve made a couple small changes, and just feeling that much closer to my final AT setup feels really good. My keyboard for example–that last trip I typed my journal entry out with thumbs because my old trail keyboard wasn’t working anymore, but I’ve replaced it and am happy to be typing on a full keyboard again. It’ll make reporting from the AT a lot easier. 

I left Flagstaff late today. Around noon. I only had 7-9 miles planned, but it became 13.5 before things were done. 

Not a lot of people hiking below the rim today due to there still being a bit of snow and ice on trail up top, but below that the trail has been wonderful. I was able to make much faster miles than on the descent after the snow storm two weeks ago. It was fast enough on trail that I chose to add extra miles by dropping off the west side of Horseshoe Mesa and hiking all the way around it, mostly so that I didn’t end up at camp too early. Then, even when I got to Hance Creek, where I planned to camp, there was still enough light to make more miles, so I added a few more to bring me to here. 

I’m camped on this rock outcropping on the Tonto Layer, about 15 feet from a cliff that drops down to the river. It’s not a sketchy camp site, but it’s an incredible view… or it will be in the morning after the sun’s up. I hiked until after dark to get here. Didn’t want to camp in the back of Hance Canyon where the sun wouldn’t hit tomorrow until late. 

I met another hiker today who was wearing a CDT hat. I asked him about it and he told me that he hadn’t hiked the CDT, but that he’d hiked other trails. He asked me my trail name, and when I told him, he said that he recognized it. His sounded familiar too, and we talked for some time to try to remember where we had met before, but never figured it out. We went our separate ways, him and his party walking west, and I walked east. 

It’s lonesome down here, and my heart hurts. I’ve been in a hard place these last couple of days… or maybe these last couple of years. Being alone in it like this is hard. I want to be here with others. But this is where I am in life right now. 

Tomorrow I’ll continue east on the Tonto Trail and then to the Escelante Route. I’ll do the full Escelante to Tanner Beach, and camp there tomorrow evening. Tomorrow’s miles will be around 16 or 18. Nothing big. 

My third day I have a choice of between 7.5-29 miles. I’d like to do the longer, but suspect that I’ll be tired and choose to do the shorter. Either way, I’ll be coming out the Tanner Trail on Sunday and hitch back to my car from there. 

I feel ready for the AT. 

Wormwood. 

-26 days to trail

Four months ago it was November.

Four months seems like so far back, but I knew that it would be this way–that it would pass quickly, but also feel like such a long time; both at once. 

I had already decided to hike the Appalachian Trail by then. That choice came in the late summer, maybe a month or two prior. But I remember being there, thinking about starting the AT in spring, and that it felt so far away still. From there, it would still be six months–a half a year. 

Having been through this process before however, I knew that it would be this way. That six months would go by in an instant. And then I’d be on trail, where it’ll feel the same once again–from Georgia it will feel like Maine is impossibly far off, but that great distances pass quickly in hindsight. 

This concept is important to me–the simultaneous existence of seemingly contradictory ideas. The “coincidencia oppositorim.” It’s something I’ve considered a lot on long trails and in life. Neither black, white, or gray, but both black and white at once. 

Time passes so quickly and so slowly all at once. 

—

In a month I’ll be on trail. And I don’t know how to feel about that. 

I want to just be excited, and to be clear, I am excited. But I’m also nervous and somewhat trepidatious. About all the things that I can’t prepare for from home. 

I’ve prepped what I can though–in physical training and equipment. I have what I think I need and I feel like I’ve prepared what I can. I know however that the AT will be different than the other long trails I’ve walked, and in ways that I can’t fully know until getting out there and putting feet on the ground. 

It will feel good to have that part over I think–to be started and in it. That always feels better compared to before the trail. I always feel anxieties before the start. 

I’m anxious to meet the other hikers. It’s something important about the AT that’s drawing me out there. I’ve been with so many of the same faces and in the same patterns of life for long enough now that I’m overdue for something new. It will do me good to be amongst many new faces and to be a stranger in the world again. 

I’ve been living in Flagstaff, Arizona now for almost 20 years after moving here from Alaska to finish college. This community has become like a home to me in those 20 years.

But the last 18 months have been hard. There was an event that changed things for me a year and a half ago, and I’ve spent my time since then trying to recover and move on. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’ve also come to know that I need to step out and get away again if I’m ever going to fully heal from this.

It might be time for me to move on from Arizona after the AT. I’ve been struggling to decide if staying or leaving is best for me now. Lord, how I’ve fought to stay and find my happiness here again. But after this long, it’s clear that I need to leave for some time. Go to trail. Find some space and time. Think. 

From trail, I intend to decide whether or not I’m going to remain here in Flagstaff. I have a lot invested here–friends, a business, a professional reputation, employment, and so much more. But there are demons here too, and I need to get away to think clearly and decide what comes next. 

Wormwood.

-34 days to trail

18.56 miles

Grand Canyon National Park

I slept comfortably and well last night. It was my first time back in a tent in 18 months and my first time camping alone on trail in 6 years–since the CDT. 

I’ve had the day to think about it and feel so many things that I know I won’t be able to get all of it onto the page. 

Ultimately it was good and important that I made it out to trail and had time for a multi day trip. I needed to test my setup, especially my over night gear. I haven’t used it in too long to feel safe going into a thru hike with it. And good that I did. Most of it is dialed in, this being my 5th or 6th long trail, depending on how you count them. But it’s been a long time since ive been on a long trail. It was importsnt to brush up. 

First, my keyboard isn’t working anymore. No surprise; it’s been through thousands of trail miles by now. That needs to be replaced. Along with a few minor things. The biggest theme is simplify and reduce. That’s always the theme of a long trail, but it’s good to be reminded before getting to the start this time around. 

I’m glad this trail won’t require such big water carries. But I’m nervous about the humidity. 

It was cold last night, but it was also magilal and beautiful. A half moon and stars. I slept without a rain fly. 

There are a few pieces of gear I’ll add, subtract, or replace after the weekend. I’ll get new shoes before starting. But overall I feel ready. Setting camp and spending the whole day on trail was reaffirming. 

It was also hard to be out there alone. Absolutely alone for more than 24 hours for the first time in so long. I used to thrive in that. But anymore it’s hard to be alone for that long. I still love it too, but it’s harder now. 

It’s good that there will be others on the AT. That has something to do with why I was drawn to hike it. Because there will others on trail and I won’t be as alone as I was on some other long trails. 

—

I broke camp last night after sunrise but still early. Trail coffee and birds chirping. 

Didn’t see anyone else on trail until the last mile or two on the way out this afternoon. 

It was around 19 miles today, and they felt good. I feel ready for the long trail. I’m excited to get out in it. 

I’m also still nervous about all the things I can’t know until getting to trail. But for now, it feels good and right. 

Wormwood