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AT Day 81

Miles Today: 22.26

AT Mile: 1460.6

(Deuel Hollow Brook [tent])

I’ve always thought that heartbreak was more of a metaphorical idea than a literal breaking of the heart. But I could feel something move in her chest and she pulled me closer after I told her that I probably am not going to visit Tennessee after the trail.

Boots and I had been toying with the idea of my visiting her home after I finish the AT, but as I’ve thought through it more, I continue to struggle to figure out how to make it happen. Not that I don’t want to, but that I don’t know how to make it work.

We were together and off trail yesterday, staying with a friend from CDT and his wife in Connecticut. The day had been overwhelming already; I hadn’t slept well on account of the heat the night before, and my energy felt like it was spread in every different direction.

Stranger and Plinko joined us for the off trail vacation, and my energy was split between them, meeting Hemlock’s wife Rachel, catching up with Hemlock, and trying to find quality time with Boots… all in spite of lacking much sleep.

It didn’t feel like it was going well. I felt like I needed to tell her that I felt a dissonance. But the moment that the words were out of my mouth I felt the heartbreak in my own chest as well as hers. I’ve never had a lover who pulled me close like she does. It makes my heart break even more, knowing that she hasn’t been loved the way that she should have been loved for so much of her life. Knowing that I would treat her better than she’s been treated before. And knowing that it’s becoming harder and harder to envision a way to make coming down to visit her after the trail possible.

She didn’t say anything in response. She just pulled herself closer to me and pushed her ear up against my chest. She cried silently and without tears.

I told her that it wasn’t because I didn’t have love for her, and she told me that she understood. I explained that it had more to do with time and finances–my not knowing how to afford traveling all the way down to the start of the trail after reaching the end of the AT. Not knowing how to do that and not prioritize getting back to work.

My plan after the trail has been taking shape since before starting the hike. Writing has been an important part of all of this. As silly as these journals are to me sometimes, they also represent something much bigger than themselves. They represent my education, my work as a writing teacher, the many creative pursuits in writing before this, and my aspirations in writing going forward. There’s a lot more to be said than just that, but it’ll do for now. The point is that I have wanted to write about the AT in a longer form–something more structured than these daily journals–since before starting the hike.

My plan has been to finish the trail and spend time specifically dedicated to writing.

Post trail depression has also impacted me heavily after my other long hikes, so I want to do something to address that. It’s why I’ll also focus on progressively longer distance trail running in the weeks and months after the AT.

In other words, I want to spend 3-4 weeks focused almost entirely on writing and trail running. It would be my ambition to complete a book draft in that time.

Now, with around a month remaining on trail, that plan has become more specific. I’ll spend the first 5-7 days at a private residence that’s been offered to me by another Appalachian Trail author I met at Trail Days. After that first week, I’d like to go farther south to continue writing and trail running for another 2-3 weeks.

Up until yesterday there had been discussion of that potentially including Tennessee, where Boots lives.

And as much as I still want for that, I just can’t find a way to make sense of it. It’s too far away to drive, and it’s too much to fly there, then fly to Arizona and still have resources available to travel to Colorado for the ALDHA West conference in September.

—

Realizing that was hard. Telling it to Boots was even harder.

Especially as she pulled herself in closer and held onto me.

—

There’s so much more to share about yesterday and the time I had with Boots and my friends at Hemlock’s place in CT. But it’s growing very late and I need to get to sleep. It’s almost 11pm.

Boots and I took a very small dose of a heart opening medicine. The experience was soft and seems to have been exactly what we needed. We ended the evening much more connected again, feeling like the time we had together was quality, even if it was extremely limited. We’re still discussing how to make things work where she can either travel up to see me during one of my writing weeks, or I can spend some of my writing weeks down in TN with her. Feel welcome dear reader, if you are independently wealthy and want to sponsor this chapter of the story, feel free to reach out. Otherwise, it’s something that we’re still going to try to pull together between the two of us.

Life and love are hard.

But I really feel like this might be what it’s all about. Love Songs and Broken Hearts.

—

Boots flew home this morning at 6:30.

The four of us–Hemlock, Stranger, Plinko, and myself–got back to trail via a ride from Rachael and started to trail at around 10.

Right away it was deathly hot and humid. Today was a day where I spent most of the time completely soaked through my clothes. I’d carry my towel in my hands and just keep wiping sweat, then wringing the towel, then wiping, then wringing. For hours. I hate that part of this hike. I hate it so so much. Fuck… I will almost certainly never hike out here again after this trail. I hate the humidity so much!

Stranger plowed miles ahead. The rest of us sauntered on progressively but without haste.

We ate dinner at Toni’s Deli and had a guy named Mark make us the most amazing Philly Cheese Steak sandwich that any of us had ever seen.

We got to camp late.

Stranger built a fire.

We stayed up late together talking and laughing.

It’s good to have Hemlock back on trial with me. It brings back so many memories from the 2019 CDT, and I can see in him that hiking is good for him. I’m happy that he’ll be with us on trail for at least a few days, if not the better part of a week! It’s funny though–whenever we meet someone who asks us if we’re hiking the whole trail, he’s so quick to make it clear that this is just Day 1 for him and that he’s only here for a week. It’s funny because he doesn’t’ add on that he’s already a Triple Crown hiker and actually has more miles under his belt than any of the rest of us.

So so late now.

It will rain tonight.

We will hike into Kent tomorrow for resupply.

I’m so tired.

Wormwood.

AT Day 79-80

Miles Today: 9.94

AT Mile: 1439.6

(Hemlock’s House [CT])

You’ll remember the Bitter Old Man from a couple of weeks ago. He was the host of the Ekertville Shelter (I probably have the name wrong, but it was something like that). His whole disposition was made of discouragement and close-mindedness. Some of his communication with a foreign hiker was clearly xenophobic, his political rants were inappropriate and unwanted, he didn’t even bother to put a shirt on when he came outside to talk with the visiting hikers, and on top of it all, he had no room for unscripted dialogue. He was just one long rant about everything that was meant to go on uninterrupted.

Anyways, that Bitter Old Man is the reason that I ordered a bag of coyote teeth to be shipped to me up trail.

Let me explain.

—

You see, the Bitter Old Man had been ranting for some time before I made any attempt to interject something of my own. He just yammered on, and any time I tried to ask questions or make it a dialogue instead of a monologue, he would pause awkwardly to indicate his displeasure with my interruption, then go back to the rant.

Nothing was working.

So I decided to employ a new tactic–dramatic change of subject.

He’d just finished telling me for the third time about how unjust it is that he’s about to lose his government subsidized housing and that he has no other employable skills or aspirations, when I finally interrupted with sincerity.

I fingered what felt like a pebble in the pocket of my running shorts. It was one of the teeth from the coyote skull that I got from the Witch of Waynesboro. It had been there for about a week, because I didn’t know what to do with it and didn’t want to just throw it on trail. Lord knows some of the other teeth from the coyote skull must have fallen out on trail without my knowing, but I saw when this one fell off, so I picked it up and put it into my pocket.

So as I felt the tooth in my pocket, and considered the Bitter Old Man’s rant, I asked him a question: “Do you want a coyote tooth?”

There was a longer pause this time, not only to indicate that I’d failed to provide the response of a silent head nod so he could continue, but had instead interjected a question. There was that silence, but then in addition, there was a longer moment, almost as if he was thinking closely about what I’d just asked.

“What?” he finally asked, clearly unsure what I’d said.

So I said it slower this time: “Do you want a coyote tooth?”

Again there was a pause from him and a look of confusion on his face. The pause was longer this time, but again he ended it by saying “What!?” Even more sharply than the first time.

For the third time, I said slowly and clearly: DO. YOU. WANT. A. COYOTE. TOOTH?”

This time his pause and confusion was the same, but at the end of it he just said, “Boy, I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“A coyote. Like the dog or like a wolf. You know what they are. They have teeth. I have one in my pocket. Not a coyote, but a tooth from a coyote. Do you want the coyote tooth that is in my pocket to go into your hand?” It was as clear as I could possibly make things.

And when he finally said “No” I don’t think that it’s because he didn’t want to accept the offer. I honestly think that he didn’t have the heart to ask again what it was that I’d been saying over and over.

He wasn’t ready for anything that far outside and beyond the normal engagements of dialogue. And so he missed out on getting a coyote tooth.

—

Fast forward two weeks, and you have me on trail today. I was hiking with Boots, about a mile from the end of our day, when we met two section hikers on trail. They were both smoked and exhausted, sitting on a log beside the trail.

We made small talk for a few minutes before I decided to go on my way, but before parting, I felt the coyote tooth in my pocket again, and I wanted to leave them with a memento. They seemed like they were so interested in the AT and by hikers who were thru hiking, so I wanted to give them something. And the coyote tooth seemed perfect.

So for the second time on this trail, I asked if someone wanted my coyote tooth, and unlike the first time, these two accepted. I gave them the tooth, and I went on my way. It was a wonderful exchange.

—

Anyways, now I have a bag of coyote teeth in the mail that I ordered from a taxidermist, so if anyone else wants a coyote tooth too, then I’ll have one for them.

Turns out you can get them for about 30 cents a piece.

—

And that’s my story about a bag of coyote teeth.

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Wormwood.

AT Day 78

Miles Today: 25.40

AT Mile: 1429.9

(Canopus Lake Beach Shelter [tent])

It was hard for me to say, but I needed to say it. I was feeling too much burden from the guilt, and I couldn’t let it continue to stand unspoken. So I said it again.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

It was hard, but I needed to say it.

Plinko and I have been hiking around and with one another for a couple of weeks now. He’s a much faster hiker than I am, and I’ve felt like I’m holding him back. He’s told me that’s not the case and that he enjoys hiking together, but it was still getting under my skin, feeling like I’m causing him to slow his hike.

Plinko took a moment, then said directly: “Dude. I wouldn’t be hiking with you if I didn’t enjoy the company.” He paused, probably to let the point sink in. “Trust me–if I didn’t I’d be miles ahead by now.”

It made the point, and I let it go after we’d talked. But the point was that I was feeling guilt about slowing him down. I knew that he could be a hundred miles ahead now if he wanted, but we were still hiking together, and I was about to ask him to slow down even more, so that we could spend a few days hiking with Boots and taking a zero off trail with my friend Hemlock from the CDT.

—

This is to say that Plinko and I are still hiking together, and although Stranger blasted ahead of us in Greenwood Lakes, and even though he’s got 10 miles on us now, we all seem to be sticking together. Even Stranger messaged me yesterday to remind me that he shipped his shoes to Hemlock’s place and that he’d need to reconnect with us within the week to get them.

So who knows… maybe we’ll all three be together in the end.

It’s hard to say with Stranger. He’s a hard mother fucker. And I mean that in the best of ways. But he’s straight out of the marines, and he likes to GRIND on trail. His gear is heavy and his determination is strong. I really like that about him. Thank God we didn’t meet when I was younger. I might have fed off that energy from him at an earlier stage in my life. At this point maybe I know who I am better and I don’t need to follow his lead. But I respect him still. Tremendously. He’s a really solid dude!

—

Plinko and I started to trail this morning and planned on getting big miles. We did well, but the elevation profile of New York is a different game than what we’ve been seeing the last couple of states. The climbs are big and aggressive, but the rewards are good too. I really like the state so far.

Plinko passed me at one point this morning and said it as simply as could be said: “I like New York.” I’m aware that’s almost the state motto, but I kind of like that he said it spontaneously and avoided the word “love.”

We’ve both loved it out here, but we needed to make the point in a way that didn’t just sound like a cliche. I like New York too.

—

Boots was going to join us at mile 10 today, but it took awhile to get through traffic and she ended up joining at mile 20. We hiked about 5 miles together to camp.

Getting to see her was envigorating. It was also heavy though. It brought me to a good place first, but after that NRE feeling had passed, it brought me to reality. The reality was that I feel weight from our relationship. I care for her tremendously and say that without reservation or doubt of it. I care for her tremendously. That comes with a burden though. It’s hard for me not to take on some of her stresses as I envite her into my life.

Hemlock and Boots met us at mile 20 and it was great to see both of them. I hadn’t seen Hemlock since the CO/WY border in 2019! Holy shit… I can’t believe it’s been that long. I was so destracted by Boots that we didn’t even get any pictures with Hemlock!

Which is to say that it was great to see Boots. I do have a special place in my heart for her, no matter how the relationship plays out from here. I like her.

We hung out with Hemlock at mile 20 for around a half hour before he went on his way and we started back to trail–looking to catch up with Stranger and Plinko who were both ahead by now at Canopus Beach Shelter.

—

There are a lot of us camped at the shelter tonight. Boots and I are sharing a tent, and several people have camped in the shelter itself.

Tomorrow we have about 10 miles to get to the road where Hemlock will pick us up.

We’ll do the half day tomorrow, Zero on Sunday, then drop Boots off on Monday before coming back to trail.

It’s been immeasurably good to have her back in my physical space. I do like her. Tremendously.

There’s no denying that it brings me away from the trail though. Boots lived a hard life before this chapter. The chapter I met her in might be the chapter I needed to meet her in. She’s recoveeering and healing from a lot of trauma that would have turned others into bad people; it hasn’t done that to her though. Somehow she’s become a good person throughout it all, and it seems like I might be meeting her at one of the better stages of her life. She might be meeting me in one of the better stages of mine too. Still, there is no denying that we both come with burdens from our past.

Tomorrow we have 10 miles on trail. It’ll be some of the longest AT miles that Boots has seen, and I look forward to seeing how she responds to the adversity of it. I think that theres a lot to learn in how someone responds to adversity. Whether they lean into it and smile during the painful moments, or if they break down within them. Lord knows I’ve probably been both and done both… multiple times a day sometimes. The point remains though–I’m looking forward to getting some more miles with her tomorrow and learning how she responds to the physical challenge of the trail, even if it is only 10 miles to where Hemlock’s picking us up.

I’m also really looking forward to spending some time with Hemlock and his wife Rachael. I’ve yet to meet Rachael in person, but grateful for the opportunity to spend time with them this weekend.

Very tired and needing to get to sleep.

There are still miles to walk tomorrow.

It may rain tonight.

Such a different world than the hot-jungle that was only a few days ago.

Wormwood.